Essay on Internal War
All young people traditionally live with their parents till the time they can afford to pay for their own apartment. It is not just the matter of financial independence, but also the one of the maturity, taking the responsibility, independence and freedom, including liberty of choice.
About a year ago I started to feel uncomfortable living with parents. Even though after graduation I was not earning enough to afford to rent a room or an apartment, I still wanted to live my own life and do what I want.
It was really difficult to do what I wanted with my parents. They were against my midnight comebacks and dating. My father though that I was trying to achieve something in life, that I had no aim and my life was totally and completely constituted of parties. Actually they were right, but I enjoyed that kind of life. I was working when I ought to, went to the gym to take care of my heath and spent much time with my friends. Of course, I understood that it was not right to party so much, but I was not very much happy with my occupation, and, as I understand now, was just trying to relieve my life in some way. And of course, I wanted to find the occupation that would bring me happiness and satisfaction, but it was impossible in the circumstances I lived in.
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My parents had a great influence on me. If they were not satisfies with my actions, I felt very guilty, even I could consider my behavior right. My father is a lawyer and my mother is a housewife. Whatever I said or whatever I did, I usually heard that I am worth nothing and that I would never achieve anything in my life with such a lifestyle. I was not that stupid to understand that endless parties do not lead to health and wealth, if you are not the owner of the night club, but it was very painful to hear such things from people, from whom I wanted just love and support. My parents used to buy me very expensive clothes, shoes and everything; I had a car, even though not a Mercedes, but still a car. They though that the only thing I am interested in is their money and I was addicted to luxury stuff. Yes, at first I was, but I very lucky to understand that earning money should not be the goal in my life, I have always wanted to find my way, the way where I could be happy. And I was not.
The first thing that I have done- I quit my job. It was really hard, as my boss’s reaction overwhelmed all my worst expectations. He just said that I can leave and that he was not satisfied with my work anyway. It was surprising, taking into consideration several successful projects I accomplished recently. If he was not satisfied, why he had never told me about that? One of the reasons for my quit was my bosses obsession with power- he wanted everything to be done when he wanted and how he wanted even when it was Friday 9 PM. I first I loved my job, but after some time I started to notice that I was becoming a slave, and not an expert. I was not paid for working overtime and started to feel that all my efforts were not appreciated. So, I quit.
Then I started to look for a freelance position, as wanted to be more flexible in my schedule and to pay more attention to studying other languages and improving my working skills. I started to attend school of photography, as I have always dreamt about having a more creative occupation, where I could apply my vision and imagination.
My parents were not satisfied again, they considered that I was just wasting my money for such “stupid” school and spending the whole time at home, showing the bad example to my younger sisters. But I was actually working, and working hard. My father though that if I was at home, I should do the cleaning of the house as well. When I had time, I did, but sometimes I was working for about 16 hours per day, but it was not an excuse. My father wanted that I had a “real” job, it could be not well-paid, but he wanted me spend the whole day in the office, and not at home. I actually had no objections, but I was not sure that it would bring me happiness. I am just not that kind of person. I wanted to manage my time and my finances the way I wanted, and not the way I was told.
My parents started to tell me that if I want to leave with then, I need to play their rules or move. I made a shy attempt to move to the apartment to share with other two roommates, but my mother tearfully asked me stay and that they would change their attitudes. During the first month they did, but then again they started to ask about my future plans and when I will move. I still could not afford an apartment in my city, as the prices were really astonishing and therefore I just continued to exist from beating till beating.
I was looking for the way out, but was very afraid to live alone and take the responsibility, and was very afraid to disappoint my parents.
The real war began when I said to them that I am moving to another city. First, they have not taken my words seriously, and I was still not sure about this kind of decision. The thing that I knew, that in the other smaller city I could afford to live independently, but without a comfort I was used to so much. But the advantage was my freelance job, that I could do even form Mars, if there was Internet connection. When the time of moving was coming closer it was harder and harder to make the final decision. I didn’t sleep at night, I was nervous all the time, and my parents still didn’t believe that I will do that. My father lectured me about my irrational decision and that I can do whatever I want, but he is not approving that. My mother told me that I should stay at least in the city and that they will help me with money at first. I almost surrendered. I was devastated with all that endless talks, but then I just bought the ticket and packed. I was crying at the railway station, but I was sure that my decision was the best I did for all my life.
When I arrived to another city I have found an apartment with the great view. For the first month I was very devastated with the internal struggle, as I still talked with my parents on the phone and it was really heard, as they always asked when I will come back. But they were no longer able to control me and I am sure that I needed that distance to start to think what I want and what I need in my life.
It was about 6 months ago. Now I am happy. I do the job that I like, and I have plenty of it, as I can even save. I live in the wonderful small city and thinking about starting my own business. Even though I do not have much money, I can start from something really small, but it will be mine. My parents are still asking me to come back home, but I do not pay much attention to this. I know that they do love me very much and I love them as well. I hope that someday they will be proud of me, and if not, I do not care. I have understood that the most important thing in life is internal peace and happiness, and no matter what others think about that. I will live my life the way I want!
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